I just really really really dig how we were all in nude/ black? Oh and I also really really really REALLY dig you, Belvedere.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Ugh sufferin from a slight hangover fr ytd. Anw, these were taken ytd bef meeting the E girls @ La Maison for free champagne (which we think they cheated us out of because the bottle finished too damn quickly? There was only enough to go 1.5 rnds and there were only 4 of us? Mutters.)... Feat. my biggest purchase in recent months, the leopard sequin purse bag from Kate Spade. So gorgeous, I love the matte gold and jewel tone patches.
I wish I really wasn't having such a fucking hard time with the break up. I mean, is it because guys are less dependent? Is it because it is my fault that's why it's easier for you to be away from me? Why is it that I need to see you so badly. And why is it that you can never understand that. I just need to see you. Would it srsly hurt to just give me some of your time? I am srsly trying, to give you your space, to be the perfect friend. I guess it just hurts that even when I try so hard, you tell me that you'd rather me not try at all. So this afternoon E tells me that "I think it's better for the both of us if we don't meet/talk to each other for some time". Emotional asymmetry. Fucking joy ride.
COSMIC GATE. Yesterday is yesterday, If we try to recapture it, we'll only lose, tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
15/02/11. I met you at your place. We drove down to ECP in the awkward silence bred from a showdown the night before. The sand was still wet from the rain. We folded our blanket in two. I presented a humble menu of fried beehoon, fried chicken wings, fried fishballs, garlic chilli from macdees and fruit juice. Maybe it was the wind, maybe it was the waves, maybe it was the cigarettes, but the mood gradually eased. We watched the sun set behind the ships, and you wondered what we were to do when darkness falls. I took out the candles, and we placed them haphazardly around us. The wind was cruel, and our candles kept going out. But we relighted them each time to stare at their flickering glow. Happy (day after) vday E (:
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The pretty jellyfish @ Underwater World. Decided to bring Eugene there since he has never been before (what tragedy?!?!@?) when we had to evacuate Siloso Beach due to a flash rain. I just adore aquariumzz. I mean i love marine life because its so pretty and weird at the same time, yet, I'd really rather be outside the tank than inside, you know what I mean?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Once upon a time, there lived a little girl. She had just broken up with her boy of 4 years and was a complete emotional wreck. A lean mean mood swinging machine, she strives to perfect her "I'm Okay" face and demeanor, to be normal so that that the boy and her could still hang out as friends. She was jealous of the boy. How he could seem so nonchalant about the whole thing? Surely he must hurt inside, just like her. The truth was though, he was stronger than her, only because he had been hurting for a far greater time. She understands this and yet, can barely keep herself under control and ends up compromising the very friendship in search for an explanation behind all this nonchalance.
Fast forward to Valentines Day. A cliched, disgusting, gross and overdone celebration of love between couples everywhere. A day that was never really celebrated between the two was suddenly amplified as one that perhaps should be spent together in view of the current circumstances. She wasn't sure why it was suddenly SO important to have him on v day. It didn't matter before, why should it matter now? She did realize though, that the reason why she asked him out 1 week before VDay itself, was to in a way, ensure that he spent this day with her and no one else. She wasn't ready to lose him, even though she tries everyday to convince herself, to give him the freedom and time away from her that he deserves.
On Sunday afternoon, February the 13th, the boy asks the little girl: "Can I meet you on Tuesday night instead?". Her worst fears had been confirmed. He was going on a date with someone else, wasn't he? How could he. How could he agree to a dinner with N, someone he only met a few weeks before? The little girl was appalled to say the least. But still, she rationalized. It will be okay. After all, friends are friends. And what's the difference between Monday and Tuesday? Absolutely nothing. She still met him on Sunday evening, and had plenty of fun.
On Monday morning, the little girl was in great spirits after having spent time with the boy on Sunday. Even though Monday is always a drag at work, she was genuinely happy, and looking forward to planning for Tuesday night. She has a tendency to do this. To place great expectations on little things and dissolve when they are not met. Monday afternoon, the boy texts that the date might not be on after all. And needless to say, the little girl's spirits soared right out of her and up- up and away. She thought to herself that perhaps, he did care more about her than N, that he could cancel? Suddenly everything had rainbows beaming out of them.
However at 6pm, the little girl gets the text that the boy is meeting N. Instead of being understanding and grateful that the boy even bothers to text her about his whereabouts with no lies, she goes into her "psycho-bitch mode", where everything is read into and over-thought, where sarcasm is the only method of communication, and where a concoction of anger, frustration, desperation and sadness is just flowing out of her veins. She sends some hurtful and irreversible texts to the boy, searching perhaps for an explanation, or some kind of reaction at least? She just couldn't stomach the fact that he was out with someone else. It hurt more than she thought it would, the fact that he chose someone over her. She was split between not knowing how he could do this to her, and not knowing how she could have done this to him. She felt like a first runner up, good because you won something, but not good enough to be the best. All her efforts will be second. Tuesday is second to Monday. She was second to N.
Fast forward to 1am. The little girl gets a text from the boy: "Are you asleep yet?". The girl lets her thoughts consumer her: Great, the boy just came back from his date. It's 1am. I wonder how it went. God I hope it was shitty. But why would it be? God I hate this. It's over. There's nothing to be done. Again, the psycho bitch within her rears its ugly head, and she finds herself unable to just be civil and accept things. She doesn't even know what she was searching for, or what she expected out of it. Certainly just because she felt hurt does not warrant her hurting the boy? After a tirade of verbal abuse from the girl, the boy confesses:
"I did not go out with N. I stayed home the whole night 'til 10pm because I was making you a VDay present. I wanted to surprise you with it tmr because I thought you were strong enough to accept that I was going out with N on VDay. The truth is I only met N, along with her sister and their friend for coffee at 10pm."
Suddenly, the little girl was at a loss for words. Something that could have been so sweet was destroyed into oblivion at her very own hand. Why couldn't she be stronger. Why couldn't she place the faith she knows he deserves in the boy? The very same faith that the boy had placed in her and that she compromised. She can't even decide if it was one big misunderstanding, or the very reflection of her selfish personality. She tried to apologize, to give him an explanation he would accept. But now it was the boy's turn to feel hurt and angry. It was one big mess and she was its creator.
So it is Tuesday today. Their stipulated VDay. It took a lot to convince the boy to still go along. And hopefully, although impossibly, the little girl can still make up for all her mistakes. She knows she needs to be a stronger person to get him back. She knows he is the only one she will ever love. The End.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
East Coast Park. Cycling. Ramen. Demon cat. Jelly Beans. Pear. Smoke. Brown. Rome. Hello Kitty. Meet my friend Han Solo.
Sundays are the hardest. I feel your absence the most on this day of the week. It kinda was like our day I guess. And yet right now I know you're with somebody else. And like, you wouldn't want to spend Sunday anw because it was too iconic as our day that it would jeopardize the flimsy boundary we are respecting as... friends.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
So me and my boyfriend broke up. I would like to say that it was mutual, and we're going on with our lives but unfortunately for me it has been kind of insane and tragically ironic as the break stemmed from my own selfishness in the first place. I thought I could live without you. Easily. Seamlessly. After all in these 4 years it would be a lie to say that our relationship was still the "I'll die if I don't see you today", "I miss you so much", "holding hands make me so happy" kind of relationship (the inevitable degeneration I guess). Comfort sets in and you find yourself asking, is there something more? Perhaps a rational and very practical person would not want to explore the answer to the question. To be happy with what you have. I didn't do what I did because I didn't love you. I just had to know, I guess. Yes, it was a mistake. Yes, I wish I had a time machine. But no, there is nothing I can do, but believe that we'll converge again. How do you instill faith that was lost? How do you restore a person's ability to love? I wish I knew. In the meantime, I'll be waiting.